Thanks for engaging

I see these tweets from women about how awful men are and I can’t help but be moved by them. I sit and wonder about what the internet has done to our society. But even before it there were cracks in the seems. Long ago people had begun to see our need for communities, and our lack there of. This connectivity has only seemed to connect us in the worst ways.

On the one side it’s vitriol from savages and while that’s certainly disturbing, I simply can’t relate or even guess as to why it may occur. The things I hear about what men have sent or suggested to these women, I simply can’t fathom what compels them. And I keep thinking about a woman getting a photo-shopped picture of her covered in blood. It leaves me speechless. Stunned. Heartbroken.

On the other side of the spectrum is this notion of ‘Reply Guys’. That’s something I can more easily understand. It fits into my brain.

“If you would be unloved and forgotten, be reasonable [Vonnegut].” That’s something I think about all the time. All these reply guys out there: Screaming LOOK AT ME. Screaming ACKNOWLEDGE ME. Pleading LOVE ME.

It must be some innate feature of being human. This need to be heard, to be seen. Everything you do betrays you, it shows the world who you are. Everything about you is your own personal diary [I don’t think the quote is linkable but it’s from Chuck Pahilnuk’s book ‘Dairy’].

And I get that I’m doing the same thing right now – trying to communicate with nameless, faceless people in the future. That is not lost on me. I too want to be seen, perhaps even desperately. And I also know that few people, perhaps nobody, will ever see this. Maybe the only person I’m reaching out to is myself.

So I wonder why I’m even doing this. Why I’m typing these words, why I even care to put the effort in. And I realize that I’ve already answered the question. That I too, want to be seen, just in my own way. Seen for what I am or what I can offer. Not in a reply to what is already been said by someone else, but seen for what I say.

Also – not everything needs a reply. Actually, few things probably do.

Also – I often do not say the best, most articulate thing first. I need some time for reflection. To let the idea simmer in my mind, so I can more fully understand it and the speaker. I’m stupid like that.

I’ve been alone for too long. Lived alone too long. Gotten too comfortable with being unseen. Grown too accustom to the notion that I don’t matter, that there is no right to be heard. And maybe that things I say aren’t really that worthwhile to begin with.

I am reasonable in my expectation of others, and of this world. I find joy in small stupid little things that are hyper-personal to me. I love the way footsteps sound on pavement. I’ve no idea why, maybe it’s something about proof of movement, but I can’t tell. So even though I may never be seen, I’ll smile every time I walk somewhere.