Tag: cynacism

I don’t need to change the world. I’d settle for just changing myself. That thought popped into my head today, and though I don’t fully know what it means, I feel it.

I guess I’ve been sour lately. Out of sorts, but I don’t know if I’d ever been in sorts. Maybe I’ve always been and I’m simply just realizing it.

This is all just dribble. Modern day, privileged, middle class horse shit.  I have too many things. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m not doing anything.  There are no more frontiers. I’m not afraid of anything anymore. And I’m angry at things I can’t define.

I’m just bored. And tired.

I have no next thing. I’ve never had good future planning skills. I moved out to LA a bright eyed idiot from small town. And it was amazing. It was new and fresh, it was my first real job, and the real start of my adult life.

Then somewhere in there, it wasn’t the start anymore. I grew into myself and … I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I know there’s an and in there, I just don’t know what comes next. And I guess that’s the problem.

I’m tired of watching TV. Let me rephrase; I’m tired of being OK with watching so much TV.  I’m tired of being content with watching other people’s stories and not really putting the time into my own.  As I type I’m watching Cops, and loving it. I’m much more interested in a moment in someone else’s life from 20 years ago than my own.

 

I hate to sound so melodramatic. So cliche. In some ways that’s the worst of it. Knowing that this feeling is so completely ubiquitous in our culture. That isolation, ironically, is widespread.

A list of things I aught to do;

• Quit my job
• Get a girlfriend
• Move
• Take a vacation
• Finish this list

 

 

A few days later…

It’s nothing short of amazing what a weekend, mind altering substances, finding some new music and making progress on a personal project (or probably anything) will do to your general outlook on life.

Do I feel the same way? Probably, but much less so; I just can’t sustain such gloomy feelings. And for that I have to be thankful.

But now is Sunday evening and so it’s natural to feel good. Work is stressful. Not work in and of itself, but certainly work in an environment that you can’t completely control is; or at least can be, but also is for me.

 

And so I’m going to start another week. Wax and wane between happiness and despair. Cynicism in the corporate structure and faith in myself and my team.  I suppose that’s life; and yet, I also suppose it doesn’t have to be.

A list of things I need to keep reminding myself of:

• Nothing is forever, even bad shit
• My github needs to be my escape
• Spotify exists, and that’s awesome because by extension, there is new music out there.
• While changing the world may be out of reach, changing myself is most certainly not.